Delusions

When I was a boy, there were a seemingly endless number of women who saw fit to comment on my hair and eyes and what a beautiful girl I would have been and what a shame that I was not. The origins of my kinks are described here: https://lovesbrightwomen.blogspot.com/2009/04/in-beginning.html Given that, I thought that one day as an adult I would encounter a woman who, when I found the courage to tell her about myself, would be receptive. Way back when I was dating I would drop a few subtle (I thought) hints or ask leading questions. Then perhaps I'd peel back a little bit of the mask. The reactions were pretty much in two categories with the first being most frequent: 1. Revulsion: WHAT?!?! You're a ceral killer and a cannibal?! You disgusting monster! Unfit to live with the rest of us. Begone, vile creature. It may be that they had expectations of me judging my appearance and general demeanor. I'm a sizeable man with an assertive and often unpleasant (if you cross me) disposition. 2. Casual indifference: Hm, yes. I can see how some women might be threatend by that. Or: I'll be out of the house until 6 tomorrow if you want to indulge yourself. Maybe my expectations weren't realistic? I had a little bit of a meltdown, or maybe more than one, as I came to grips with the reality of it. That I'd never scratch that itch, or have someone scratch it with me. Writing that just now, and anytime I think of it, I feel bit sad. A loss, sort of. I have encountered a few folks on the web who commiserate. I may have bumped into a female or two who could have been. That door closed a long time ago. I rarely break a promise, and I have several here to keep. Strange, years ago, when I encountered assertive women I generally avoided them. Was I afraid? Some were just pain in the ass kind of people. Not my type. One who sat behind me in a university class constantly poked me in the back to get my attention. Same one would accost me in the student lounge. She was loud, brash, annoying. I definately avoided women that I was attracted to. Sure I talked with them, but I'd never think to ask one on a date because I wasn't worthy. I remember another encounter like it was just yesterday. College days. There was a girl. Kathleen. I dont remember her last name. We'd had a few classes together, sometimes ended up sitting on the college green talking. Good conversations. She was planty cute, if a bit nerdy. I'm sure that she's someone's loving wife and mother today. This was a cold winter afternoon. I had my winter semester stress cold virus. I felt like a sack of shit on the way to my apartment and decided to take the elevator in the art building rather than walking down an icy Jeff hill. There in the lift was the girl I just mentioned. We made small talk on the way down. When we got off on the ground floor the conversation continued briefly. My head was killing me and I was probably hungry. I excused myself, telling her that I wasn't feeling well and really had to go. I recall that she reached out, took hold of my arm and looked me in the eyes. She said that if ever I wanted someone to talk with, about anything at all, anything...that she would be happy to be that person. I never took her up on that. Wonder what that I had.