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Thursday, July 1, 2010

Fish and whistle....

....whistle and a fish, eat everything that  they put on your dish.  When we get through we'll make a big wish that we never have to do this again, again?, again??  Father forgive us, for what we must do.  You forgive us and we'll forgive you.  We'll forgive each other 'till we both turn blue then we'll whistle and go fishin' in the Heavens.

John Prine

I spoke with my sister this evening.

Two years ago last March, our father lay dying.  I had to travel a bit to get to his bedside.  Early the morning I arrived, my sister and I were the only people in a large and well furnished family waiting area in the hospital.  We talked alot about dad, our family and bygone things.  She burst into tears and said "I'm so sorry that I was so mean to you........all those things I did to you.  I know that it's affected you".

I told her that I had forgiven her years ago.  (She had no idea, apparently I forgot to tell her).  She stopped crying.   She was taken aback.   'You did?'  I reminded her that about twenty years prior we were having an argument.  I'd reminded her about how she had treated me.  At the time she'd said to me:  "I told you I was sorry, aren't you ever going to forgive me?'  Right then and there, I did.  I never mentioned the subject again.  She was torturing herself about what she'd done.  I didn't want her to be hurt, I only wanted her to be sorry, and she was.  So that was that.

I had held a grudge for quite some time. Earlier in our lives I'd bring it up. Like a stick, I'd beat her over the head with it.   My pain, her guilt.

On the phone this evening she brought it up again.  Again I told her that I held no grudge. I told her that I was long past that, and she needed to forgive herself.  I am who I am, and what I am.  All in all pretty happy about it too.  I have a great family, beautiful children.  No complaints, no shame.

It hasn't always been that way.  It used to be that I was very much ashamed of myself for my kinks.  I felt unworthy and unloveable.  I was damaged goods, so who would want me.  Indeed, the one woman to whom I had revealed myself told me as much when we finally parted.  (See my post: 'I once had a girl')  I went back into hiding.  That was back in the days before the internet, so I really had little idea that there were indeed good people who were just like me. Case in point: http://domme-chronicles.blogspot.com/ See Ferns post on survey results part IV. One of the respondents on that blog, a young dominant female, struggles with her desires, feeling arousal and guilt simultaneously.  I feel her pain.